To Dine In Valhalla

by Dominic Brisbin

Back in the days of shields and swords, and when raping and pillaging  was the shit to do, there was a group of people who did it like no other: VIKINGS! 

Now don't confuse my admiration for these Norse warriors and their  culture as me condoning rape or theft of another's lands. My interest is purely from a philosophical standpoint.

The Vikings were a Beast Mode culture of the past. They believed that only the baddest killers were taken to heaven, or Valhalla as they called it. These Beast Moders of old believed those who died an honorable, bloody and glorious death in battle were picked up by the Valkyrie (almost like their version of angels.....but with a more bad ass tone) and taken to dine in Valhalla. Those who didn't die, or died a cowardly death were taken to hell.

Think about that for a second. Only the folks killin' it on the field in battle were taken to Valhalla. Such is the same in the gym. Those motha' fuckers you see giving their all in the gym, those guys throwing up weight with everything they have.....they are the ones going to Valhalla. Don't get it twisted, I'm not just talking about the big ass clown who sits on the bench all day waiting for people to watch them do their one rep max. No No No!!! I'm talking about that high school kid who is in their everyday after school pushing his adolescent body to the outer limits.  That little fucker is gonna' have a seat at the table.

You see, I have a problem with those weekend gym warriors. Those punks who only sign up for the gym membership to treat it as if it were their own personal match.com dating site. Fuck that! The gym is a battlefield! Here, gym warriors row barbells to get to where they want to be. They swing kettle bells to battle off the weakness within them. And those who kill themselves (figuratively) in the gym are the ones that will be honored.

Just like the weak on the field of battle, there is no room for those who aren't dedicated in the gym. Regardless of what people tell you, the healthy/fit lifestyle is a constant battle. And when fighting against those who would like to see you remain average, there is no time to wait for the business exec reading his magazine on the weight bench, or the mom talking and walking on the treadmill. It's the one's willing to give their life to this lifestyle who will be glorified.

Now go out and rape the fuck out of those weights!!!